Weekend...not the end of the week for me!

I wish I could just not have to work on weekends. That would be the one thing about my job I would change. It's not worth going to another job for, though. I like working at home at being able to do what I want whenever I want. I like that freedom. It just sucks when you're expected to be at a family gathering like we are this weekend and I have to take my work with me. My dad is turning 50 on Sunday, and we're going to Huntington Beach on Sunday for his party. 50. Man, I never thought my dad would be so old. He's always seemed so young my whole life because my parents had all of us when they were in their 20's, so now it makes me feel a little uneasy to have my dad (and my mom, in November) turning 50. Why uneasy? Because I think anyone who's close with their parents secretly dreads the day when their parents die. I know, it's still a long way off, hopefully. But just the thought of losing either of my parents makes me feel so distraught. Yes, I'm a huge worrywart. But you think about these things, you know? But this is coming from a person who has regular recurring nightmares about various family members from my side and Jake's side dying, and it's just horrible. I wish I could control them, I really do.

Wow, this turned into a morbid post really fast. Let's move on, shall we?
Since driving anywhere now costs your firstborn child, we've decided to combine the trip and go to Disneyland on Monday. I'm amazed we can even afford to go after the IRS ripped us a new a**hole this year. We paid out roughly $2500 all in one go, and that hurts. So this is like a celebration that we made it through that. We haven't gone to Disneyland more than twice this year so far, and that's really crazy for us. Under normal circumstances, we'd have gone at least five or so times by now, but not this year. Chicago is also going to take a huge bite out of our finances. That rebate check is going to come in really handy.

I've been tossing around the idea of applying with a big transcription company that can pay me better and also give me normal working shifts, but the last time I applied, they rejected me, I think because of my lack of experience. But this year it will be three years I've been doing this, so maybe this time...I'll probably try again soon, but I don't have the specialty experience they're usually looking for. Nobody seems to want transcriptionists that have experience with psychiatry. I need to get some experience with another area of medicine somehow before I leave my present job. But man, would it be nice to have a set schedule during the week and have weekends off!

30 minutes on the treadmill=

a huge workout for me! I’m so out of shape right now, but that 30 minutes felt so amazing, I have to keep going. I want to be around for my husband and my family and my wonderful friends who love me. It’s going to be a long road, but I’m determined to change for good- I have to, my health is at stake! I’m actually glad I got diagnosed with high blood pressure because it was a huge reality check for me, and I needed that desperately. I know I can make it go away if I start exercising and lose enough weight and just generally get healthy. Thanks for all your encouraging comments- I love you all!!!

Wake-up call

So I had a pretty interesting evening yesterday. I went to Kaiser Urgent Care because I’ve been having pain in my side for a few days now and I’ve also been having a problem with a little bit of blood in my spit in the mornings for about a month now. They took my blood pressure and said, "Wow, that’s way too high for a 28-year old!" So, being worried about it, they took it again, and lo and behold, high again. So I ended up having to do all these blood tests and urine test and all that, PLUS they put me on an I.V. in the exam room and gave me morphine for my pain (of which I had hardly any to begin with). They really gave me that because my blood pressure wasn’t coming down and I wasn’t able to calm myself down enough, apparently, to get it to come down, so they gave me a Clonidine (BP pill) and I had to lie there on a bed for about an hour and a half with the I.V. in and freaking out, thinking I was going to die and thinking the worst. Thank God Jake was there, because if I’d been alone, it would’ve been worse.

So I’ve been officially diagnosed with hypertension, and I am now on a blood pressure med for possibly my whole life. If that wasn’t a wakeup call, I don’t know what is! I definitely needed that kick in the ass. They didn’t find a cause for the blood, but they did give me an antibiotic, so if that doesn’t clear it up, I have an appointment with my doctor in a couple of weeks anyway so we can figure it out then. I’m really hoping all this is taken care of by the antibiotics, though. So really pray for me (if you pray), otherwise keep me in your thoughts that I can start to change my lifestyle and get these problems under control.

The exercise catch-22

I have never been one for regular exercise. I did go through a workout kick in high school, and as a result, I looked pretty darn good then. However, being married and not having to impress anyone (although that is a horrible attitude to have in a marriage) has resulted in my gaining upwards of 100 pounds of extra weight. Yikes!!

The problem with being this heavy is that I never have the energy to get up and work out. But when I do get up and drag myself to the treadmill, I always feel a lot better afterward. It's definitely a catch-22.

I also started weight watchers again after about 6 years. I'll admit I've done some fad diets in the past, but I figure the least I can do is give it the old college try and see where it gets me. The low-carb diet was just too much for me. I think if I were to try that again, I'd have to go meatless because I was eating so much meat that it just backlogged my system and I had some big digestive problems.

I have an appointment with my doctor (who also happens to be my father-in-law's doctor) on April 7th, so pray that the physical results aren't too dire. I'm going to do my best until then to live as healthily as possible. It's not easy. My husband does not eat healthy or exercise, so there's really no motivation from that source, but he is still encouraging when I need him to be, even if he's not doing it with me.

I'm determined to turn my health around for good, and I could use all the support and encouragement I can get, so please leave comments for me- I'd really appreciate it!

How to piss off credit card companies...

Go read this article that I found on this website authored by a guy simply known as "Maddox". He has some other equally funny articles, and although they are a bit crude, you'll laugh your ass off...

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=junk_the_junk

I found this guy when Jake and I were at Barnes and Noble and found this book called "The Alphabet of Manliness". The cover caught my eye right away- a Conan-looking guy punching a gorilla in the face. I'm never one to pass up hilarity like that; I'm definitely not a girly girl by any means. If you know me at all, you'll agree. I think I actually like this guy more than Jake does, which shouldn't be the case, as he writes a lot of "guy" stuff, but I do.

Anyway, please read it, you won't regret it. Or maybe you will. Don't say I didn't warn you. Oh yeah, and there is a little bit of language, but if you can handle that, then jump right in...

February stars...

I'm glad January is over. It always feels so stale and gray and cold, when it should feel fresh and new. I can feel the sun coming through the window as I write, and it feel so nice on my arms. I hate being hot, but I love warm sunlight in the winter and spring- it's a completely different animal.

I'm really looking forward to getting to the doctor finally after five years of neglecting issues that should have been addressed long ago. I'm confident that God will show us, one way or the other, the direction we will be going in, whether it's having our own baby or adopting. Either way, it will be a blessing! All I know is that I want to be a mother, and I don't care if it's my own biological child or a child that God blesses us with that needs parents.

I sort of gave up my low-carb diet, as it really seemed to mess up my system. I did manage to lose about 10 lbs, but that has probably all come back since going back to the old way of eating. My stomach really got out of whack from eating all that meat and cheese all the time. I don't eat enough vegetables either, so that didn't help. I'm going to have to consider a different way, one that is actually realistic. I can't give up bread for the rest of my life, I just won't be happy. I'd rather be a little overweight and get to enjoy food than be skinny and miserable. I guess we'll see what the doctor recommends, and I'll go with that. I've considered starting Nutrisystem except I know someone who did it, and they got really tired of the food after a while. However, they did lose a good amount of weight, so I suppose once taxes are paid and everything, it wouldn't hurt to look into it.

I need to go to Disneyland pronto. We haven't gone since December, and for most people, that seems like nothing, but for Disneyland freaks like us, it's like a lifetime. We're going on Feb. 10, so that should satisfy our craving for a little while (probably a week or two, ha!).

I need to get out of the house tonight. I feel a sense of well-being today that I don't often feel. I'm always all over the map emotionally. I think I'm going to take Jake out on a date. We haven't done that in a while. It'll be fun to surprise him. I'm usually the one doing the surprising- he's not so good at just thinking of me and bringing me something home or taking me out without my complaining about it. Oh well, I guess one of us has to be good at it, and it might as well be me.

Okay, enough now!

I feel a lot better today than I did yesterday. For those of you who read my blog, I apologize (although I really don't need to) for the horrible, disparaging tone of it. I have my desperate days, and yesterday was one of them. I'm over that hump now, and today I feel more optimistic. I think it has something to do with the fact that I worked out for the first time in it feels like years today. I always feel loads better after I exercise, a fact which should motivate me to do it on a regular basis; unfortunately, that is not usually the case. I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired all the time, though, and I'm determined to get healthy. If I mess up, oh well. I'll just get back up and try again. In the past, I would have done well to adopt that approach; I think it would have made things different. I'm too apt to give something up if I screw it up the first time or "fall off the wagon", as it were. I really need to remember the way I feel after a workout and make it a priority to want to feel that way all the time. I'm only 28, and I feel like I'm 58. I've been sedentary throughout my college years, and having a husband that doesn't want to eat right or exercise hasn't helped much. I try to tell him that diabetes runs in the family (on both our sides) and that what we're doing now is leading us both down the path to diabetes, and I love Jake too much to cut my life shorter than it should be just because I felt like eating sugar and sitting on my butt. I can't make his choices for him, unfortunately, but I always hope that doing the right thing and making the right choices will rub off on him and inspire him to do the same.

New year, same old stuff...

So Jake and I kicked off the new year by seeing a movie called "Juno", which is basically about a quirky teen getting pregnant and her strange journey that ensues. While funny and really a touching movie, it's definitely a sore subject with me, as anyone who knows me knows; pregnancy, that is. I left the theater in tears and found myself just completely despondent about the state of my life and the way I'd like it to be.

It's safe to say that at this moment, it's really hard for me to be thankful. I can't begin to tell you how heartbreaking it is to see everyone around me have kids and start families, and Miss Pathetic is over here with her cats and hating everyone and their picture perfect families. I feel like a defective toy. The hardest part is knowing that I'm really stuck right now because we have no insurance and Jake's job sucks and the insurance costs and arm and a leg and we really can't afford it at all right now. And the "promotion" they kept teasing him with has been put off at least for the next six months. So my hopes are pretty dashed right now. I just feel like I got left in the cold, and humanly I feel like I'm the butt of a cruel practical joke. I know that's not the attitude I'm supposed to have toward my Creator, but I can't help it. I'm at my most human when I go through this. I'd love to even adopt, but is that an option? Hell no. I can't afford legal fees and all of that when I've got a $30,000 student loan (that turned out to be useless, as I didn't finish school) to pay off every month. Sorry if this post is extremely depressing; it's meant to be. I feel extremely desperate at the moment and I really truly feel hopeless about ever having a child.