Okay, enough now!

I feel a lot better today than I did yesterday. For those of you who read my blog, I apologize (although I really don't need to) for the horrible, disparaging tone of it. I have my desperate days, and yesterday was one of them. I'm over that hump now, and today I feel more optimistic. I think it has something to do with the fact that I worked out for the first time in it feels like years today. I always feel loads better after I exercise, a fact which should motivate me to do it on a regular basis; unfortunately, that is not usually the case. I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired all the time, though, and I'm determined to get healthy. If I mess up, oh well. I'll just get back up and try again. In the past, I would have done well to adopt that approach; I think it would have made things different. I'm too apt to give something up if I screw it up the first time or "fall off the wagon", as it were. I really need to remember the way I feel after a workout and make it a priority to want to feel that way all the time. I'm only 28, and I feel like I'm 58. I've been sedentary throughout my college years, and having a husband that doesn't want to eat right or exercise hasn't helped much. I try to tell him that diabetes runs in the family (on both our sides) and that what we're doing now is leading us both down the path to diabetes, and I love Jake too much to cut my life shorter than it should be just because I felt like eating sugar and sitting on my butt. I can't make his choices for him, unfortunately, but I always hope that doing the right thing and making the right choices will rub off on him and inspire him to do the same.

New year, same old stuff...

So Jake and I kicked off the new year by seeing a movie called "Juno", which is basically about a quirky teen getting pregnant and her strange journey that ensues. While funny and really a touching movie, it's definitely a sore subject with me, as anyone who knows me knows; pregnancy, that is. I left the theater in tears and found myself just completely despondent about the state of my life and the way I'd like it to be.

It's safe to say that at this moment, it's really hard for me to be thankful. I can't begin to tell you how heartbreaking it is to see everyone around me have kids and start families, and Miss Pathetic is over here with her cats and hating everyone and their picture perfect families. I feel like a defective toy. The hardest part is knowing that I'm really stuck right now because we have no insurance and Jake's job sucks and the insurance costs and arm and a leg and we really can't afford it at all right now. And the "promotion" they kept teasing him with has been put off at least for the next six months. So my hopes are pretty dashed right now. I just feel like I got left in the cold, and humanly I feel like I'm the butt of a cruel practical joke. I know that's not the attitude I'm supposed to have toward my Creator, but I can't help it. I'm at my most human when I go through this. I'd love to even adopt, but is that an option? Hell no. I can't afford legal fees and all of that when I've got a $30,000 student loan (that turned out to be useless, as I didn't finish school) to pay off every month. Sorry if this post is extremely depressing; it's meant to be. I feel extremely desperate at the moment and I really truly feel hopeless about ever having a child.