A Yearning for a More Beautiful Life

When I was in high school, I was a bit of a romantic. Make that the biggest romantic I have yet to meet. I loved having tea out on the porch at night, listening to my Out Of Africa soundtrack, and taking walks on misty days with my hair loosely piled on top of my head. Yes, in my mind, I was living in a Victorian novel, and I loved every moment of it.

The trials and tribulations of life, combined with my own foolish desire to grow up, has resulted in a woman that I do not recognize. Where have those things gone that I once loved so? On rare occasions, I pause and remember those things, and they make me happy.

I yearn for that life again, not to be who I was, but merely to cherish the same things again that I used to. Tea, reading, gardening, long walks, all the beautiful, simple things that I have let go of in the pursuit of.....what? I cannot say, really.

I believe it is time to embrace the things that I love again and stop letting my life consist of days spent in front of a computer screen, taking care of my virtual farms and cafes and all that "stuff" that takes me out of real life and real beauty.

Updates, updates, come get your updates!

Well! I haven't updated my blog in a long while, so here goes....

I decided last week to start getting serious about my health and well-being, so I've started walking and riding my bike to start with. So far, I'm really enjoying it a lot, although I do prefer to ride as opposed to walking. My total mileage to date is 23.81 miles!! I thank God every day that I can get out and ride or walk that I still have the good health (relatively, that is) to move and do something!

I'm not really worried about losing weight this time around-I know that will come as a natural result of more activity. All that has made me really want to eat better, and that's not natural for me, so I know there's a lot of positive effects happening already....

I've also started getting up with Jake in the morning around 5:45 AM. This has really been a benefit to me too, I think. It's allowed me to get a whole lot more done around the house and keep on top of my work as well. Despite getting lots of sleep every day, I used to feel like a slug most of the time and I wouldn't be able to get anything done because I felt so lazy and sleepy all the time....that is slowly changing, which I'm grateful for.

One last thing-if you haven't seen Star Trek, go see it! It's so good, and I hated the original show, always bored me, but this movie was so fun! I'm going to see it again as soon as I can!

Friday is Angels and Demons-I'm so stoked to see this movie, although I'm sure I'll end up picking it apart afterwards like I always do with book adaptation movies, especially since I finished the book about a month ago!

I can't get it out of my head.....

Ever since we went to Washington in February, we've been smitten with my parent's farm and the area in general. We had a miraculous transformation happen while we were there, and God did some really amazing things in our lives and is still doing amazing things. Jake is a changed man since that trip. He treats me with complete respect and and consideration, which to be honest, wasn't usually the case before (and not on my end either, I should mention). I feel so completely loved and appreciated and I know only God can change an attitude like that.

Every night we've been reading our Bible together and reading Oswald Chambers' "My Utmost For His Highest". It has been a really fulfilling and edifying "ritual" (although I hate using that word).

Jake and I have decided to start doing ministry together, that is, playing and singing. We're just in the early stages of getting this together and our ultimate goal is either to lead worship somewhere or go to a lot of different places and play, although whatever God wants is what we'll do.

Anyway, the farm. My parents put us in charge of designing this garden- the Secret Garden- that is way out in the forest at the end of this awesome path through the trees. We got a little done the last time we were there, and I find myself constantly thinking about it now. Honestly, we have both felt kind of awkward here ever since we got back because Washington almost feels like home to both of us now. It just felt right when we were there. I know it was only six days, but a lot changed in those six days. I yearn to be back there almost constantly.

We've been praying about a lot of things lately and there's a lot in the works possibly that I can't discuss because God hasn't fully revealed them to us, but things are getting exciting around our house.....Pray for wisdom for us.

I'm too young to feel this way...

Lately I've been feeling like I'm at least twice my age, physically, that is. I've completely run myself into the ground with poor eating habits and almost no exercise. I'll admit, my job has contributed to this, being confined to a chair most of the day. I've messed up my back so badly from sitting in that chair all day every day for the last four years. I finally decided last night that enough is enough. I really don't want to die young when all I had to do was make some simple changes in my life. Is my ruining my health worth having a cheeseburger or playing that extra game online? The simple answer-no. I guess I've been living too long feeling that "invincibility" of youth, and now it's really caught up with me. I'm turning 30 this year, no longer a child. So this morning I got up, thanked God for allowing me to wake up and see the rain outside my window, and went to exercise. My aches and pains are still there, but I am confident that with regular movement and exercise, I can be where I am supposed to be physically. I'm more than a little worried, too, about my husband, although I've learned that with him, you really have to let him figure things out for himself, otherwise it will not end well. So I've decided to just focus on myself, and hope that I might set a good example for him to follow.

On another note, I've started reading "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. I know, I know. It actually has some really good things to say about the way we as women have put ourselves first at times and haven't been as thankful as we should be for the way our husbands take care of us. Don't get me wrong, most of the women I know aren't like that at all. But I needed this slap in the face, as I've been much too content to put my husband down when I'm in a bad mood and yell and scream, but I never stop to think that what he really wants is just someone who will put those things aside and really just focus on him and what he needs. I have no problem with the Biblical description of what a wife should be. It's just hard to fulfill that role properly when women have been made to believe that we should be focusing on "me" all the time. It's way too easy to be selfish in these days. That's not what my husband needs from me. It's shameful the way that I've treated him sometimes, and he's been so supportive of me when I needed him and so calm and patient, it's about time I give him the same love and support. 

Weekend...not the end of the week for me!

I wish I could just not have to work on weekends. That would be the one thing about my job I would change. It's not worth going to another job for, though. I like working at home at being able to do what I want whenever I want. I like that freedom. It just sucks when you're expected to be at a family gathering like we are this weekend and I have to take my work with me. My dad is turning 50 on Sunday, and we're going to Huntington Beach on Sunday for his party. 50. Man, I never thought my dad would be so old. He's always seemed so young my whole life because my parents had all of us when they were in their 20's, so now it makes me feel a little uneasy to have my dad (and my mom, in November) turning 50. Why uneasy? Because I think anyone who's close with their parents secretly dreads the day when their parents die. I know, it's still a long way off, hopefully. But just the thought of losing either of my parents makes me feel so distraught. Yes, I'm a huge worrywart. But you think about these things, you know? But this is coming from a person who has regular recurring nightmares about various family members from my side and Jake's side dying, and it's just horrible. I wish I could control them, I really do.

Wow, this turned into a morbid post really fast. Let's move on, shall we?
Since driving anywhere now costs your firstborn child, we've decided to combine the trip and go to Disneyland on Monday. I'm amazed we can even afford to go after the IRS ripped us a new a**hole this year. We paid out roughly $2500 all in one go, and that hurts. So this is like a celebration that we made it through that. We haven't gone to Disneyland more than twice this year so far, and that's really crazy for us. Under normal circumstances, we'd have gone at least five or so times by now, but not this year. Chicago is also going to take a huge bite out of our finances. That rebate check is going to come in really handy.

I've been tossing around the idea of applying with a big transcription company that can pay me better and also give me normal working shifts, but the last time I applied, they rejected me, I think because of my lack of experience. But this year it will be three years I've been doing this, so maybe this time...I'll probably try again soon, but I don't have the specialty experience they're usually looking for. Nobody seems to want transcriptionists that have experience with psychiatry. I need to get some experience with another area of medicine somehow before I leave my present job. But man, would it be nice to have a set schedule during the week and have weekends off!

30 minutes on the treadmill=

a huge workout for me! I’m so out of shape right now, but that 30 minutes felt so amazing, I have to keep going. I want to be around for my husband and my family and my wonderful friends who love me. It’s going to be a long road, but I’m determined to change for good- I have to, my health is at stake! I’m actually glad I got diagnosed with high blood pressure because it was a huge reality check for me, and I needed that desperately. I know I can make it go away if I start exercising and lose enough weight and just generally get healthy. Thanks for all your encouraging comments- I love you all!!!

Wake-up call

So I had a pretty interesting evening yesterday. I went to Kaiser Urgent Care because I’ve been having pain in my side for a few days now and I’ve also been having a problem with a little bit of blood in my spit in the mornings for about a month now. They took my blood pressure and said, "Wow, that’s way too high for a 28-year old!" So, being worried about it, they took it again, and lo and behold, high again. So I ended up having to do all these blood tests and urine test and all that, PLUS they put me on an I.V. in the exam room and gave me morphine for my pain (of which I had hardly any to begin with). They really gave me that because my blood pressure wasn’t coming down and I wasn’t able to calm myself down enough, apparently, to get it to come down, so they gave me a Clonidine (BP pill) and I had to lie there on a bed for about an hour and a half with the I.V. in and freaking out, thinking I was going to die and thinking the worst. Thank God Jake was there, because if I’d been alone, it would’ve been worse.

So I’ve been officially diagnosed with hypertension, and I am now on a blood pressure med for possibly my whole life. If that wasn’t a wakeup call, I don’t know what is! I definitely needed that kick in the ass. They didn’t find a cause for the blood, but they did give me an antibiotic, so if that doesn’t clear it up, I have an appointment with my doctor in a couple of weeks anyway so we can figure it out then. I’m really hoping all this is taken care of by the antibiotics, though. So really pray for me (if you pray), otherwise keep me in your thoughts that I can start to change my lifestyle and get these problems under control.

The exercise catch-22

I have never been one for regular exercise. I did go through a workout kick in high school, and as a result, I looked pretty darn good then. However, being married and not having to impress anyone (although that is a horrible attitude to have in a marriage) has resulted in my gaining upwards of 100 pounds of extra weight. Yikes!!

The problem with being this heavy is that I never have the energy to get up and work out. But when I do get up and drag myself to the treadmill, I always feel a lot better afterward. It's definitely a catch-22.

I also started weight watchers again after about 6 years. I'll admit I've done some fad diets in the past, but I figure the least I can do is give it the old college try and see where it gets me. The low-carb diet was just too much for me. I think if I were to try that again, I'd have to go meatless because I was eating so much meat that it just backlogged my system and I had some big digestive problems.

I have an appointment with my doctor (who also happens to be my father-in-law's doctor) on April 7th, so pray that the physical results aren't too dire. I'm going to do my best until then to live as healthily as possible. It's not easy. My husband does not eat healthy or exercise, so there's really no motivation from that source, but he is still encouraging when I need him to be, even if he's not doing it with me.

I'm determined to turn my health around for good, and I could use all the support and encouragement I can get, so please leave comments for me- I'd really appreciate it!

How to piss off credit card companies...

Go read this article that I found on this website authored by a guy simply known as "Maddox". He has some other equally funny articles, and although they are a bit crude, you'll laugh your ass off...

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=junk_the_junk

I found this guy when Jake and I were at Barnes and Noble and found this book called "The Alphabet of Manliness". The cover caught my eye right away- a Conan-looking guy punching a gorilla in the face. I'm never one to pass up hilarity like that; I'm definitely not a girly girl by any means. If you know me at all, you'll agree. I think I actually like this guy more than Jake does, which shouldn't be the case, as he writes a lot of "guy" stuff, but I do.

Anyway, please read it, you won't regret it. Or maybe you will. Don't say I didn't warn you. Oh yeah, and there is a little bit of language, but if you can handle that, then jump right in...

February stars...

I'm glad January is over. It always feels so stale and gray and cold, when it should feel fresh and new. I can feel the sun coming through the window as I write, and it feel so nice on my arms. I hate being hot, but I love warm sunlight in the winter and spring- it's a completely different animal.

I'm really looking forward to getting to the doctor finally after five years of neglecting issues that should have been addressed long ago. I'm confident that God will show us, one way or the other, the direction we will be going in, whether it's having our own baby or adopting. Either way, it will be a blessing! All I know is that I want to be a mother, and I don't care if it's my own biological child or a child that God blesses us with that needs parents.

I sort of gave up my low-carb diet, as it really seemed to mess up my system. I did manage to lose about 10 lbs, but that has probably all come back since going back to the old way of eating. My stomach really got out of whack from eating all that meat and cheese all the time. I don't eat enough vegetables either, so that didn't help. I'm going to have to consider a different way, one that is actually realistic. I can't give up bread for the rest of my life, I just won't be happy. I'd rather be a little overweight and get to enjoy food than be skinny and miserable. I guess we'll see what the doctor recommends, and I'll go with that. I've considered starting Nutrisystem except I know someone who did it, and they got really tired of the food after a while. However, they did lose a good amount of weight, so I suppose once taxes are paid and everything, it wouldn't hurt to look into it.

I need to go to Disneyland pronto. We haven't gone since December, and for most people, that seems like nothing, but for Disneyland freaks like us, it's like a lifetime. We're going on Feb. 10, so that should satisfy our craving for a little while (probably a week or two, ha!).

I need to get out of the house tonight. I feel a sense of well-being today that I don't often feel. I'm always all over the map emotionally. I think I'm going to take Jake out on a date. We haven't done that in a while. It'll be fun to surprise him. I'm usually the one doing the surprising- he's not so good at just thinking of me and bringing me something home or taking me out without my complaining about it. Oh well, I guess one of us has to be good at it, and it might as well be me.